I had the pleasure of reading Florence Givens 2020 book, 'Women don't owe you Pretty,' and I have some thoughts.
Overall I really liked the book, it was fun and groovy in design while realistic and smart in content and narrative. I got a good sense of what type of person Given is by her candid admissions, brutal honesty and passion for feminist issues. The art used drove home the empowering attitude of the book and gave the narrative personality that I enjoyed a lot.
The narrative is empowering, and I feel that it is a good book to use as an introduction to modern feminism and attitudes towards beauty standards, it is also a good guide in learning how to tell yourself that you deserve better when it comes to relationships and societal expectations. She explores how modern beauty standards are fueled by Capitalism and the male gaze, and how social conditioning has taught women to expect to do they more for less. She encourages the reader to question why they do what they do in order to fit societal expectations set for girls.
Given calls for women to look for more, and to learn how to question and even challenge modern language as it pertains to representation of women and relationships. The biggest take is in her crumb analogy, which states that one should not settle for a partner that will offer you crumbs (meaning, the minimum amount of effort), when you could find someone to give you the whole cake-- better yet, you could learn how to bake that cake for yourself. There are important anecdotes relating to relationships, boundaries, marriage, sex, sexuality, gender and assumptions of character.
Given's tone is pointed and that is effective in getting her point across, and her personal experiences in dealing with misogyny and what her life was like before she embraced her queerness. She encourages other women to read between the lines of what they have been taught when it comes to presentation, relationships, race and queerness, because there is no way that everyone fits into the lane that systematic and cultural patriarchy has set up for women to stay in. Some experiences were ones that I could relate to myself-- I've found myself subconsciously tearing myself down in order to suit a male partner in the past, before I realised that being content with my own company is better than being stuck with someone who I have to pretend to relate to.
But in that, there were also things that I struggled to relate to.
A prevalent argument by Given is that women are expected to perform rituals in order to satisfy the patriarchy and fit the pretty-criteria and get attention and respect from men. These rituals involve shaving, wearing makeup, and dressing in ways that aren't always comfortable.
To be clear-- I completely get why this is a feminist issue, capitalism is fueled from fictional insecurities that are often targeted towards women. Women are not naturally hairless, women don't naturally have voluminous and dark eye-lashes, and women do not have airbrushed looking skin, and the cost of those rituals do add up and does not solve the problem of unrealistic beauty standards.
Where I take issue is that Given does not seem to address that there are more reasons to perform those beauty rituals other than to satisfy the capitalist male gaze. For instance, I like being clean shaven and I enjoy wearing makeup because I feel like a better version of myself, and I like to present myself in a certain way.
There is also the larger point that makeup is used as a device of self-expression, this art is prevalent in both female and queer communities. But Given does not talk about it, and that made me feel like I'm some hidden agenda of the patriarchy, and that my preference for shaving and my regular application of makeup means I've not discovered the truth. Not every feminist needs to embrace rejecting traditional beauty expectations.
I say this, but I can easily imagine that Given would be understanding if this point is ever brought to her attention. She preaches accepting the autonomy of every woman, and I feel that the choice to shave and wear makeup does not mean that I am willing to submit myself to the will of the capitalistic patriarchy. However, another topic in Givens piece is the existence of 'Pretty privilege', wherein life is easier for people who are aesthetically pleasing, which does have roots in that capitalistic and patriarchal influence. I was confused in that, does wanting to look pretty mean that I am reaching for pretty privilege, and is that a bad thing? That is perhaps a discussion to have on another day.
Despite this, I still think that the book does a lot of good and I know that I am not alone in believing that. Women Don't Owe You Pretty had a comfortable spot in The Sunday Times Best Seller Top 5 for 12 consecutive weeks after it's publication, and has received praise in most, if not all, reviews.
Women Don't Owe You Pretty is a stunning piece of introductory material to the key themes of modern western feminism, as well as a guide to maintaining self-care. Given is our companion in that she want to push for the normalisation of questioning the norm, and for being authentically and unapologetically yourself.