Have you ever looked at your partner and wondered whether their small lacking moment of communication was a sign that the end is near and that you should panic? With zero evidence to back this up? Or do you have problems of feeling worthy? While some questioning and doubt is normal, it can eventually reach the point of being self-destructive, for both you and your relationship.
Before we can talk about how self-esteem can impact relationships, it needs to be understood, your self-esteem can be your best friend or your worst enemy. There is a complex relationship between self-esteem and mental health, and studies have proven that poor mental health can shape someone’s self-esteem and self-worth. It is most anticipated that someone who experiences mental health issues like depression and anxiety is also likely to have low self-esteem.
Self-esteem issues have been likened to the anticipation of people not liking you, it’s blaming yourself, and worrying about competition that may or may not exist, and forgetting that the world is not constantly judging you. The concept is hard to recognise sometimes, and even harder to understand, and the severity fluctuates depending on the environment one is faced with. Self-esteem is hard to recognise in the moment, because all you are thinking about is the negatives. The main items of this piece are self-esteem and self-worth, both of which correlate to the value that one places on themselves.
There are many things that can lead to self-esteem issues in adults. Some studies point to past trauma, bullying or body image issues, as well as biological contributions from anxiety and depression. When it becomes hard to find things to praise oneself about, there is a constant weight against the image of oneself; there is criticism, punishment, comparison and high expectations. No matter how self-aware someone is about their issues with self-esteem and self-image, it is hard to find clarity against the waves of negativity.
Self-esteem is one’s appreciation of themselves in relation to aspects abilities and success; which helps with confidence, especially when it comes to performing tasks and communicating with people who have an expectation. Whereas self-worth, while it is similar and often gets interchanged with self-esteem, is the value that one places on themselves, it’s whether they see themselves as a valuable asset or not.
The signs that point towards someone having low self-esteem and self-worth are usually:
Internally or vocally focusing on the negatives
Being overly critical of oneself
Ignoring achievements
Constantly thinking that other people are better
Compliments are hard to accept
Issues with self-esteem can be very damaging to relationships, as they can lead to feelings of jealousy and insecurity. In any relationship, romantic or not, it is important to communicate needs. In most cases, someone with low self-esteem may be too afraid to ask for more affection or more space, either out of fear of reactions or because don’t want to feel like a burden on their partner. Feelings of hurt and rejection sting more and can lead to irrational thoughts and actions. One common example: if a new partner takes noticeably longer than normal to respond to a message, someone with low self-esteem may instantly assume that their new partner isn’t interested in them anymore.
It is possible that a relationship could be unconsciously sabotaged by low self-esteem, as it can boil over time and eventually leads to arguments Here are three (of many) examples of how low self-esteem can negatively impact a relationship:
Becoming jealous for no reason – While jealousy can sometimes be reasonable, low self-esteem can trigger unnecessary jealousy, as it thrives on the idea of are not good enough.
Thinking that they make their partner unhappy – Putting happiness in the hands of others is a disaster waiting to happen. This can also lead to unreasonable blame and disappointment when the relationship does not run like a fairytale.
Partners intentions are constantly doubted – Applying the logic of being constantly judged to a partner is dangerous for relationships. This leads to partners not feeling heard either.
It can be hard to recognise when self-esteem is sabotaging a relationship when they are happening during the moment, because feelings and overthinking run everything, especially during times of stress. Over time, these things will take a toll on both sides of the relationship. As much as someone’s self-esteem can impact their behaviour in a relationship; the relationship itself can be a contributing factor in low self-esteem, especially if it is abusive or neglectful.
In managing low self-esteem, identification is key, because identification leads to learning. Being able to recognise when low self-esteem is creating anxiety or negative thoughts could begin improving how low self-esteem is managed. Setting realistic expectations and goals is a good way to start combating the negative feelings and anxiety associated with low self-esteem. This halts the cycle of negative thinking that reinforce low self-esteem. But this also means accepting mistakes, and accepting that no one is perfect, especially oneself. Mistakes should be viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow, and there’s nothing wrong with making a few.
While it is the hardest goal to meet, one of the most beneficial techniques of lifting low self-esteem is to stop the comparison to others. That self-destructive behaviour makes it easy to see oneself as a victim or a loser, and it always leaves you feeling depressed afterwards.
It is unknown just how many people are impacted by low self-esteem, however, its negative impact on relationships is clear, in that it creates feelings of unworthiness, and therefore jealousy or depression.
Relationships always take a lot of work, even without self-esteem issues. Communication is an important tool in developing and maintaining relationships, and issues with self-esteem risk in sabotaging the effectiveness of that communication. Recognising the signs of anxiety and depression and acting upon them is beneficial for the development of both the relationship, and the individual.
SECONDARY SOURCES:
Self-esteem awareness team, 2016, 5 Factors that affect self-esteem issues in adults, Self Esteem Awareness, <https://www.selfesteemawareness.com/self-esteem-issues-in-adults/>
Admin, 2015, Difference between Self-Esteem and Self-Worth, Difference Between, <https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-self-esteem-and-vs-self-worth/>
Health Direct, 2017, Self-esteem and mental health, Health Direct, <https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-esteem>
Loades, M, 2018, The overlap between low self-esteem and anxiety/depression in CAMHS, The Association for Child and Adolescent Mental Health, <https://www.acamh.org/research-digests/self-esteem-anxiety-depression/>
Incledon, N, 2018, How low self-esteem affects relationships, Peaceful Mind Psychology, retrieved 9th of October 2019, <https://peacefulmind.com.au/2018/04/11/how-low-self-esteem-affects-relationships/>
Grohol, J. 2018, 6 Tips to Improve your Self-Esteem, PsychCentral, <https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/>
Caprino, K. 2017, When comparing yourself to others turns self-destructive, Forbes, <https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2017/08/18/when-comparing-yourself-to-others-turns-self-destructive/#55ef7dfa6539>
Casapu, I. 2017, 15 Ways you unconsciously sabotage your relationships because you have low self esteem, Thought Catalog, <https://thoughtcatalog.com/ioana-casapu/2017/02/15-ways-you-unconsciously-sabotage-your-relationships-because-you-have-low-self-esteem/>
Comentarios